Our senses-Touch, smell, sight, taste and hearing, together with feelings, adds to our ability to remember things. For the past few months, I'd been rehearsing certain thoughts in my mind and forming certain pictures that sort of adds to my memory bank. Now that I've known how to improve my memory, does anyone know how I can forget those things that I want to forget? Is it ever possible to forget some things besides choosing the path of death?

My sense of smell is pretty strong. I can remember the smells of people pretty well. I used to know Huiling was approaching me by smelling her perfume 1st. Her perfume wasn't even strong. So you can imagine how terrible I'll feel when I smell people who pratically pour the whole bottle of perfume on themselves.

Anyway, I smelled a familiar smell in the lift a couple of days ago and immediately a sad feeling came as I come to a realisation that the familiarity has become history and gone were the days.

So if you do know of a way to FORGET, do let me know! Thanks!

I failed!

Fell asleep after reading a few chapters of the "Brilliant Memory" by Tony Buzan. It wasn't boring. Just that I used so much of my brain cells that I felt tired. Haha. By the way, I'd completed the book! I'm moving on to another more in-depth book called, " Master Your Memory". Will continue reading tomorrow. I'll get the SPEED READING BOOK when I visit the library the next time.

As for now, it's time to put the skills learnt into practice and also to complete my Maths tutorial for tomorrow's lesson.

I'm feeling happy now.. Just got back from the library. Borrowed 3 books. I feel studious. Haha. Borrowed 2 Tony Buzan's book on improving my memory and 1 on Biology. I've never taken Biology before. This Biology modules that we have is killing me. I wonder if I'll really read the books. The Tony Buzan's book has a recommendation that says, "You'll be addicted to it!" Hmmm.. I hope so.

There are 3 places that I love visiting. Libraries, bookshops and furniture shops. Sounds kinda weird. But I loved looking at books (reading the books is another thing), looking at stationeries (buying them is dependent on budget) and looking at bedsheets (most of the time I just looked at them and hope/wish that mine is as pretty). I used to buy my own bedsheets, then realised I don't have to. Nowadays, I seldom spend money at such places though. So, library is the best! I don't have to spend a single cent at all! Unless my books are overdued. But I paid off all the fines! I'm debt free in library account. Haha!

Went back to KHS to get pink dress from Wendi. Talked to some nice office staff. They were so nice to me! It was meant to be a 10min pick and run visit. In the end, I had lunch with her. VP came to talk to me. And I met up a few others at the canteen. I miss their company. I'll still seriously seek the Lord for directions in this area. I supposed I should not appear too often in KHS during this period. They'll start asking the same questions and start selling "goyok" to me again. Hahaha!

Hopefully my spirit can be kept high this whole day as I start reading the books and do up what I need to do. NO afternoon nap hUi!!! Discipline!

Had a dream this morning that I had a new song that expressed my deep feelings. Forgot all about it when I woke up. I just praised and worshipped God with my guitar and a melody and lyrics came... Didn't express my deepest feelings though. Will fine tune it again... Here it goes:

LOVE OF THE UNIVERSE

Broken life
Broken heart
Broken soul
That's craving for a love

Love of the Universe

Many times
I drift afar
Your stubborn love
Never let me go

Your unfailing love

I don't wanna be the same
Ever again
I don't wanna go through life
This broken way

I just want You to be here
To carry me all the way

-hUi-
28 Aug 2007

Mummy came back at 3am in the morning. I was awakened to open the door for her(I latched the door before I slept). Anyway. I missed this morning's Science tutorial. Was so tired that I couldn't get myself up. 1st time and hopefully the last time this semester! My classmate said the lecturer taught A LOT of things.. That means I missed A LOT of things too...

Finally, my lappy is at the repairs. It's gonna take 1-2 weeks before I can get it back. I'll take good care of it from now on.

"If you always think a lot at night and can't get to sleep, it means you didn't use your mind hard enough during the day." -Quote Dr John Wang (The ONLY Certified Sports Psychologist in Singapore)

My take:
Some people tend to brush aside their problems in the day by working, playing hard etc. Thus, they may be physically tired, but their minds are still very much active. Thus, thoughts will attack them at night and cause them to lose their sleep. So, we should all think a lot in the day. Make our day a fruitful and thoughful one so that we can have a good night's sleep every night!

P/S: Perhaps that's why I couldn't wake up this morning... Think too much yesterday. My mind was too exhausted.. hahaha... EXCUSES!

I'm still trying to back up all my impt documents and photos.. It's taking me a LONG time. I'm so tired. I wanna use my time more efficiently but it's already so late.



Had this thought: I should just mind my own business from today onwards. It's gonna be just I, me and myself. I'm not gonna care so much about others so that I won't hurt others nor be hurt by others. I'm gonna go into seclusion. Keep myself away from others until I've "attained enlightenment".



BUT, will I be able to do that? Ha.

There's never ending work to do this sem. We're into week 4 and I'm getting tired. Tired of not being able to keep up with the schedule. Lots of tutorials and readings to do. I need to focus! I don't wanna think of unnecessary things... Thus, the thought above. God's grace is sufficient for me.

Frustrations..

Someone commented that I've grown fatter... kinda affected by it yesterday.. but I'm stuffing myself with food now. Don't wanna care for this period of time.

Are you listening?
So many people just want to share their thoughts and feelings. How many will be there listening? This is the general feeling I get from people. After unloading all their unhappiness, they disappeared. They'll appear only when they are ready to unload again the next time. How sad. I feel like a cheap dustbin sometimes. And I wanna make sure I don't treat others the same way too. Thanks Kaixin for listening and sharing. I prefer such chats. Alert me if I'm treating you like a dustbin..

Truth or lie? It hurts nevertheless... The fewer the words... The deeper it hurts.

I'm now at one part of NIE trying to back up all my files into 2 CD-R and then send it for repairs... The left speaker is spoilt. It's taking such a long time to back up the SUPER BIG files and I have difficulties trying to pack all my photos, videos and songs into the CD-R... Oh no. I think I seriously need a portable hard disk. My photos alone are already 2GB. Anyone wants to get me one?? Hahaha...

Oh man! The best thing is, I just realised I didn't bring the warranty letter!!! I feel so stupid! Can only go for repairs tomorrow. And even after compressing the photos, it's still 998MB. And a mad man just walked past me and laughed at me sitting at the corridor using my lappy. What's so funny?!!

I just want to quickly finish loading all the documents stuff on the disc and then hurry home before any more mad man come along and spoil my day.

It's another day of solitude. Gonna have lunch and dinner on my own for today and tomorrow.

It's sleepy Sat again. I woke up at 11plus, had lunch, blogged the previous entry and went back to take a nap. Just woke up again with an objective to do my HOMEWORK! It's been a long time since I last had homework! BUT I'm just so unmotivated to start on it.

There's so many things to do. I feel like going out, but there's no one to go out with. And once I'm out, I feel bad about not finishing my work first before going out.

I was super frustrated on Thursday because I couldn't do some Maths questions. Felt lousy about it. I think I really need to brush up on my subjects. I can't afford another C in my results.

Aja aja fiti!!!!

Broke my keychain some time back and was pretty sad. Thought of glueing it back, but somehow, the crack is still so vivid. Just like my friendship with someone.

Someone else commented that I've not been checking and using my hp as often as I did last sem. Well, that's true. I'm kinda used to not sms-ing so much. Sometimes will feel sad cos there isn't many to share my ups and downs with. But well, helps me save a lot and not exceed my sms counts.

Anyway, I went to Takashimaya for PepperLunch with Sue and Eunice on Thursday night. I "fasted" the whole day just so I could enjoy a great meal with them. We are 3 very different but good friends. All 3 of us have different taste and dress sense. If you see us together, you'll understand what I mean. Hahaha! But I enjoyed their company. I had Salmon Pepperlunch. It was great. Silly me to think that the salmon will be raw. (I love raw salmon! Salmon sashimi!!!) They were all cooked after I started stirring. Here's to show how hungry I was...



When I was home at night, mummy walked into my room and blessed me with $200! God is so good!

Friday night, I met up with Mummy Lynn and Princess Wendi. It was a good catchup session. I always enjoy fellowshiping with them. Mummy Lynn blessed us with a meal at Terra Cafe and Princess Wendi blessed us with a drink and some food at TCC. Thanks Mummy Lynn and Princess Wendi! Here's another picture to show how hungry I was...



Mummy Lynn's 1st child, Gwen was there with us at TCC too. I tried to carry her but couldn't lift her up. Think I held her too tightly and she was scared stiff. Here's Gwen and I...



Man! I looked tired. And I really was. I reached home at 10pm and slept at about 11plus. I'm really blessed with good friends and a good mum. I've been coughing for about 2 weeks. Mummy just bought a medical, herbal drink that costs $4 for me! Such an expensive drink. But she always wants the best for me. She wants me to be healed. She'll be away at JB until Tuesday. I'm gonna be bored and all alone at home these few days. Sadz!

Met up Mummy Lynn and Baby Xeon for lunch today. Thanks Mummy Lynn for the tuna sandwich, wedges with cheese and the orea drink at TCC. They were delicious! Thanks for also letting me carry Baby Xeon! He's so handsome and kawaii!! What an honour to have a photo taken with him!

I haven't been blogging for a while. Don't really know what to blog about and been thinking about some things. It's also beginning to be busy. Maybe I haven't been managing my time well...

My Sports Psychology lecturer said sometimes a word of encouragement at the wrong time will bring adverse effect on a person. He mentioned that XX called ZZ before an important competition to wish ZZ all the best for the competition. In the end, it actually added stress on ZZ and caused ZZ to lose the competition. (This only applies if XX is in the position of a "significant others" to ZZ)

If you are having exams, and I am your "significant others", would you prefer me to sms you and give you words of encouragements? Or would you rather I keep quiet and stay away? Would my encouragements act as a form of stress or distractions? Hmmm.. I really don't know. For me, I guess I would prefer my "significant others" to wish me well before my exams.

Didn't blog last night because I reached home rather late and was drained physically. During CGM when we were worshipping, I could feel my head spinning. I knew something wasn't very right. This was the second time this week. The 1st time was when I was teaching in the school on Wed. Suddenly felt that the whole world swirled for about 10 seconds before I sat down to steady myself. Thank God I'm fine. Probably fatique.

I spent the whole day today to recuperate. Slept for many many hours. Finished reading "Mister God, this is Anna". Read "Answers to Life's Difficult Questions" - by Rick Warren and took down notes of the important points. I actually bought this book for a friend. Find the things written inside pretty useful and applicable to me as well. I hope to finish the whole book today so that I can pass the book to my friend tomorrow when we meet.

Just finished watching "The Pursuit of Happiness" and I just felt blessed. Many a times I'll feel that life isn't really fair to me. I don't blame God, but I tend to feel that I'm less fortunate as compared to many of my friends. Somehow, friends around me have parents, aunties, uncles and relatives that love them a lot and blesses them with things that they don't have to earn or pay for themselves. Me? My parents and relatives love me too BUT I bought all things for myself ever since I was young. I paid for my own furniture, hi-fi set, tv, encyclopedia, discman, mp3 player, computer etc. I never knew how to open my mouth and ask for people to buy things for me. Where did I get all the money to get all these things? I saved up by not eating during recesses. Now, when I just don't have any more savings, no one to provide for me, I felt pitiful. Probably even bitter on the inside.

Sometimes I asked myself, why don't I have rich uncles and aunties that'll bless me with a sum of money to buy things that I like? Why do I have to work harder than others just to get my needs met? I guess my focus is wrong. Love and blessing is not measured by how much I'm given materially.

I'm blessed because I have a roof over my head, I can still pay for my own school fees, own and use a laptop, feed myself and have a comfortable bed to sleep at night. There'll always be people that are living in a worser or better state than I am. I am blessed! Just as I am. I don't have to compare myself with others. I am contented- I'm happy today even though I have dreams and ambitions that haven't been fulfilled.

It's always my attitude towards my circumstances that decides whether I'm happy or not. I make a decision to be happy and contented from today onwards. That's what matters in life.

Not forgetting I'm blessed with lots of beautiful friends in my life. God is definitely good!

I just got back from tuition. Super tired. Had a very fruitful day as I didn't slack around. After lunch, I revised my Science topics in preparation for tuition. Wasn't as sleepy as other days. Thank God for that! Read some notes on the way to tuition too. Only took a short nap of 5-10min along the journey.

Was touched by my tuition kid's gesture. We were having dinner together. I was having a casual chat with her and I wanted to take the egg but don't really dared to... She seemed to realise that I don't dare to touch the egg, so she took one and put it on my plate! So sweet of her! She even invited me to her birthday party next Saturday. Ha. I'm already not very rich, but I still need to attend 2 birthday parties this month and buy presents. My God will supply ALL my NEEDS! Amen!

Tomorrow will be another fruitful day. I'm gonna go to the gym after 2 hrs of lessons, then have lunch with Ken and Kaixin. Go for lesson and then go Kaixin's house to rest and wait for CGM! I'm kinda excited and looking forward to it. Ha. =D It's Friday! TGIF!!

Yeah! I'm back from teaching! Feeling tired and sleepy but I refused to sleep to ensure that I have a good tight sleep tonight!

Anyway, thank God for giving me back part of my voice. At the end of lesson, my throat condition worsen. The kids were very noisy and mischievous... I raised my voice and strained it. Having a BAD SORE THROAT, plus pain from my wisdom tooth and the BIG PIMPLE jus below my mouth. Oh God.. it's pain CONCENTRATED around my mouth area. The pain is giving me a headache. I'm drinking lots of water to make sure I clear the heatiness. It's causing me to lose my temper easily. And it's causing me to visit the toilet more than ever before. Heatiness, sore throat, pain, pimple, and sleepiness GO in JESUS' MIGHTY NAME!

It's Wednesday! Wednesday is my Sabbath day.. Haha. Prevented myself from giving tuition on this mid week. But, I accepted a Kingsfield assignment to relief someone tomorrow. And it's at the school which my tuition kid is studying in. She was pretty disappointed that I wasn't there to teach her. But we agreed to meet in the canteen when I reached! Haha..

I'm so happy that I've got additional allowance this week! Really thank God for it. What I did was just to email Kingsfield and told them I'm free on Wed and Tue afternoon and to look for me if they have any assignment. Within 1 day, they called. I was glad. Really glad.

My only concern is, will I be able to get back my voice by 12 noon so that I can teach the students? God, I pray for healing in the name of Jesus! Amen! Since God brought me to it, He will bring me through it too! Amen!

Spiritual Disciplines

1. Prayer
2. Reading the Bible
3. Bible Study
4. Fasting
5. Thanksgiving
6. Solitude with God
7. Repentance
8. Forgiveness

It's time to be back to the basics again! Recently I'm always alone at home. Brother has moved to "live" with his gf. Mum is always out with her friends locally or overseas. I guess God is giving me lots of opportunities to spend time with Him. I got to treasure these times instead of being grumpy and moody about being alone at home. Spiritual disciplines is my personal responsibility!!!

"Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers."
-3 John 1:2-

Was really glad to spend time with a dear friend yesterday. It's been a long while since we last met and spend time together. Time seemed to pass by real quick for us. Hopefully we can meet up again.

Was really tired when I reached home. But it was only 9pm! Forced myself to do some things until 10.45pm and went to sleep. Guess what? My stomach was so hungry that I was forced to wake up to eat something at 11.20pm. In the end, I couldn't sleep again until 2am. Didn't sleep well again. =(

Got home early today and I took an afternoon nap. I guess it's gonna be tough to get to sleep tonight.

BTW, I lost my voice. So don't be shock if you call me and hear an unfamiliar voice. I wonder how I'm gonna give tuition today. Hahahahaha...

I'm getting wiser!! --> Wisdom tooth is slowing forcing its way out from the gum. No wonder I'm getting all the headaches and fever these days. It's painful definitely, but I'm not going to the dentist. Mummy said it's alright not to pull it out. I believe her.

Slept at 10pm last night. It was such a good rest again. I began to wish that I'll be super tired physically everyday so that I can always sleep early and have a good rest. It's definitely much better than not being able to sleep. And why was I so tired? Woke up early for a 8.30am lesson. To our horror, there's only 5 of us taking that module. The lecturer made it sound really interesting. I hope he's really gonna do interesting stuff with us. Anyway, I went to the gym after that. Ran on the treadmill for 30min and did a few assisted pull ups. Been a long time since I last exercised. Aching all over now. Walking like a penguin....

Oh ya. I missed the fireworks on NDP. But a dear friend mms me a picture of fireworks. So sweet of her. *Touched* Thank you my dear! =D

Decided to change the song at my blog. I really love the song "What a friend I've found". But I REALLY CAN'T stand the cheering and clapping at the beginning and the middle when there's a change of singer. Really feel that the people were worshiping worship and not really worshiping God. So, I put up this "BUT GOD" instead which I really love ever since I first hear it.

Anyway, I'm really mad at myself for falling asleep while watching the NDP. I missed the most important FIREWORKS! =(

It's Singapore's 42nd Birthday! Congratulations Singapore! Happy National Day and happy holidays to those who don't have to work or go to school!

This is the loneliest national day I've ever had. I couldn't remember what I did for previous years, but there were definitely people with me. I'm now alone at home. My mum went to Malaysia on our country's birthday! Haha.. nothing wrong with that. Just that I feel really bored at home. =(

Anyway, I had a very good CGM last night. Was very ministered by the word and ministry. God reminded me of the verses He's given to me before He launched me out into the CG ministry. And He told me that it isn't any coincidence that this verses were mentioned almost every week ever since I stepped down. It's an assurance that He wants to give to me so that I can continually move on in my walk with Him and not lose sight of Him.

During the whole CGM, I just felt that God wants me to know that it's my attitude towards my situation that's gonna make or break me. Though a lot of things happened just a few days ago, I did questioned God why I had to go through all these, but I ended up thanking and praising Him. I learnt to trust Him all over again and not worry so much about the finances and all, He began to work and blesses me here and there. What the devil meant for evil, God will always turn it around. BUT, I believe this will only happen when our attitude towards God is one of trust and belief. Trust in Him with all our hearts and lean not on our own understanding. Those who prays and believe will have their prayers answered. That's the key to unlock the barriers in front of us and also to open the door of joy in our lives. I truly feel happier these few days.

So, I'm gonna praise Him in all situations and learn to trust in Him all over again. =D

God is wonderful! Went for a 2 hour lessons today and the lecturer said he wanted to change the lecture time! Praise the Lord! So I have a free Wednesday every week. Haha.. I wanted to continue with my Book of Lamentation. But I guess I'm too happy to be lamenting.

Anyway, after lessons, Ken and I shared a BIG plate of fried rice. We've got additional veggie, egg and luncheon meat. Everything for just $4!! So we only need to pay $2 each. God is sooooooo good to us! Haha. Maybe it's becos it's Ken's bday.. God is blessing Ken and I get to enjoy that blessing too. Thank You, God and thank you, Ken! =D Happy Birthday Ken!

I'm in the canteen waiting for Kaixin. She has lessons until 7.30pm and we have to rush down for CGM which starts at 8.30pm. Will get a free ride from her (by cab). Thank you, Kaixin! Thank God I can use her laptop now. If not I'll be ultra bored.

Not in the mood to read up or do anything else. But really thank God for a good night's sleep last night. Slept at 10+. It's the 1st time I slept so early for many many months. 1st time I woke up in the middle of the night for toilet breaks but still managed to get back to sleep within seconds. Cos I remembered myself praying, "Dear Heavenly Father..." and that's the end of my prayer for the night for at least twice. God indeed grant His beloved sleep!

I'm in school now... feeling bored as I need to wait for another 4 hrs before my last lessons. It's super silly. I really hope that all the students can find a common time and change the lesson to another day or timeslot. Pray pray pray! My fellow classmate said I can write a book of lamentations...

Lamentation 1:1
My God, why has my line been cut off again? I was about to pay my bills and it was cut before I could do anything. I'm angry and mad with SINGTEL! So I'm terminating my line and subscribing to a new subscriber. God, maybe this is the way to help me to save costs. I pray for better financial management. I was down... emotionally...

Lamentation 1:2
But God answers prayers and I got a new STARHUB student plan. Much cheaper and more economical for me! God does not fail!!

Lamentation 2:1
Today's the 1st day of school. I was fit and healthy for the whole 3 months holiday. BUT, I was down with fever last night at 3am. Couldn't sleep the whole night. God, why must this happen to me? I thought I'll be on MC today.

Lamentation 2:2
But God's healing power is upon me to heal me and to make me whole. Fever will go in the name of Jesus! God will grant His beloved sleep tonight!

Lamentation 3:1
7 hrs of break in between is killing me.

Lamentation 3:2
But God keeps me occupied by granting me classmates that can spend the time with me. We watched the SIMPSONS today.

Lamentation 3:3
God is very good. We managed to shift Tuesday's 6.30pm lesson to Monday. This means I won't have any more 7 hrs break! Thank God!

Lamentation 3:4
YOU have turned my mourning into dancing! Rejoice in the Lord! Again, I say rejoice! All things works together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose! In everything praise God, and He will give us the victory!!!

God is a GOOD God!

Took a bus one day and sat beside an old man. He smells. Really badly. I almost puke. A couple sitting behind us began to move away to other seats. I also moved away after a while. Lots of thoughts went through my mind.

Poor man! How rejected he must have felt. How can I ever be like Jesus? Jesus probably would have given him a hug to give him a sense of acceptance. But I? I moved away. Why was he smelling of urine and all? Probably no one is really taking care of him to keep him clean and smell good. Feel sad for him.

I began to think about my dad. I love him a lot. Even until now, I'll tear whenever I think about him. He was supposed to be discharged from hospital to live in a HOME for better nursing care but before any arrangements was done, he left the world. Probably it's much better for him to leave than to live. Maybe if he lived, he'll suffer more and I might grow to despise him or get tired of visiting him? Whatever it is, he will remain dear to my heart. I will never forget how he would drive me to school from my secondary school days to NIE days without fail. How at a call, he would put aside all his customer and come to pick me up to go home. How he dote on me. How he calmed down when I prayed for him at the hospital bed. My regret was, that I never told him I love him, never been able to give him a good life, couldn't remember if I'd hugged him before.

Then I thought about my grandma. She looked so frail and thin. Almost reduced to bones. I was sad when I saw her. She's very old and definitely not fit. But I admire the fact that she has never been to the doctor! I admire my aunt for taking care of her. I will visit her more often from now because I know she's happy to see me, though she doesn't remember who I am.

That's the frailty of life. Treasure your love ones! ( I love you too, mum! Though I still haven't mustered enough courage to tell you that personally or give you a hug. )

I'm very touched when someone read my blog and offers very practical help to me. Fren, I am really touched by your gestures. Like what you say, though we've drifted throughout the years, but we are still close in a way. Friendship lies in the heart. What's true in the heart will never be gone because of circumstances or distance.

Thought about my situation this morning. If my mum, a non-christian, aren't even worried about our financial situation, why should I, a child of God be? I've been through the toughest time before, but I overcomed. I should trust God again.

So friends, don't worry about me. Just keep me in prayers. I will overcome again this time.

I think my body is really getting ready for school. Automatically I woke up at 9am this morning. Came to blog the previous entry, read a chapter of a book and went back to sleep because there's really nothing else that I feel like doing.

The sun was shining brightly but the wind was blowing strong. Under the shelter of home, I felt cold. Hid under my blanket, the pillow covering my head, I only had my mouth and nose exposed for breathing. Yet, I still feel cold. I need some warmth...

Have you ever woke up with a beautiful dream and you tried to get back to sleep to continue with the dream? However hard you try to continue, the dream somehow got stuck there, can't seem to move on. I guess a dream is still a dream. Some things just can't be forced.

Hugging used to be a love language that I used to express love for my members. This is also the way I received love. I hugged the girls every week. One week at least 10 hugs. Now, I seldom see them at all. Some weeks I have ZERO hugs. So, the expert in hugging is losing the art of hugging. Sad. But I guess my love language should change soon, if not I'll die of hunger for love. Hmmm.. But can I change it just because I want it to change?

We had CGM yesterday! It was a great meeting and we took a CG photo! Here's my pretty CG! (Note: We have 3 guests at the last row from the left, Samuel, Jonathan and Justin from Davin's CG)

I just came back from Kimage. Decided not to highlight my hair anymore due to save costs. Guess I was quite happy with the hairstyle. Or rather, I was happy with the teacher and the student. Like the teacher a lot because he really guided the student through the whole process of cutting my hair. He was very detailed. He asked questions and explained why he did what he did. Wow! That's the way a teacher should be! A few students actually came over to learn from him. He's young, handsome and very humble. Those who came over to learn are aunties, but he never displayed any pride or stuck up attitude like most young people do.

I was just away for 3 hrs. Came back and saw a funeral wake at the void deck. Heard the family members crying a couple of minutes ago. I live at the twelve storey and I could hear them! It's that loud.. Can't help but feel sad for them....

A self-pity entry:

A lot of my dear friends' birthday actually falls in this month. As I thought about 'Birthdays' this morning, I actually cried. Hmmm...

Many people look forward to their birthdays. I used to, but not anymore. Why? Cos what I want, I can't have. I can't even spend the day with the one I want to spend time with. What's the point of celebrating birthday? I no longer know what I want. I guess I have more needs than wants. I need a miracle now. I don't desire any gifts at all. In fact, I usually don't know how to react when people give me gifts.

Someone once commented that I'm wallowing in self-pity. I think I am.

Birthday should be a happy occasion, but somehow it makes me feel empty on the inside. Even when I go out with my best friends, at the end of the day, when it's time to go home, the sense of loneliness comes back again. (Do not attempt to tell me I'm not alone, I have friends, and God is with me, etc...) I know all these. Seriously. I don't need any comforting at all. I'm just penning down my thoughts so that when I looked back many years from now, I'll know my thought pattern. Is this considered self-pity?

I need God to fill that emptiness in my heart. No one else will do except You.